VIN DIESEL   PAUL WALKER   JORDANA BREWSTER   DWAYNE JOHNSON   TYREESE   LUDACRIS      

FASTFIVE


Dear Lord in heaven, please make these movies stop! Since 2001, the world has been plagued by the Fast & Furious films; the fifth in the series is the first to debut without 'furious' in the title. Everything we hate about these movies is doubled for this one, which boasts a cast of everyone from every movie in the series (except Tokyo Drift’s Lucas Black). It is easily the worst of all the films. The big addition this time around is Dwayne Johnson, who clearly must own part of Johnson & Johnson baby oil, because it’s dripping off his arms and forehead for the entire film; even when he is indoors or standing next to someone who isn’t remotely sweaty or shiny, he is reflecting. Filled with loads of horribly written and delivered lines like “mission in-freakin-sanity”, this is a meathead paradise.

His crew once again breaks him out of prison and, like a family, Toretto (Diesel), his sister Mia (Brewster) and her man, former cop Brian (Walker) all head to Rio for the next big job. What they find in Rio, besides corruption, is a drug lord who has complete control of the island, which is, of course, who they plan to steal from. Also trying to foil their plans is the guy the FBI hires when they need to find someone. According to Brian, Hobbs (Johnson) will stop at nothing to bring in Toretto and his gang, who have flown in from all over the world to drive fast and furious once again.

It begins with a train rescue, pushing Brian and Toretto off a nearly impossible canyon (featured in trailer); we can buy it that maybe they survive that, then Toretto and Hobbs beat each other with their gorilla sized forearms for about five minutes and then are completely clear of blood and bruises. But then the big kahuna: we are supposed to suspend reality to believe that two Dodge chargers can pull a 10 ton vault for ten miles-- yeah right. “Yeah right” is what I say to literally every aspect of this movie. Some of the cheesiest lines in the eye rolling script were “Go walk it off” and “something big is going down”. It isn’t the fact that no one would ever say anything like that, but that they try so hard to look cool when they deliver these lines that just flash meat head on the screen.

Besides the fact that Johnson and Diesel look like two big baboons fighting each other on the nature channel, both are completely out of shape and should not be wearing the type of tight fitting clothes they sport in the film. Diesel’s first appearance on the train was intended to be very dramatic, but as he waddles through the train door all I saw was the ripple of his double chin swinging back and forth. Even the once ripped Walker's body is transformed into quite the beer gut. Thankfully, everyone keeps their clothes on this time around. There is literally nothing sexy or attractive about this summer popcorn flick, which is ironic since the original film was based on sex appeal.

 Final Thought – The fastest part of this movie was my exit from the theater.


Grade D+

By: Dustin Chase W.

Editor: Michael Woody